Monday, April 6, 2015

When life hands you lemons...shit sucks.

Ever the optimist, I have gotten the shit kicked out of me over the past month.  It feels like every single thing that could go wrong has.

  • My partner as QS vanishes with no communication, leaving me to run the ship alone.
  • I put in hundreds of hours of work and effort into applications, profile building, presentations, planning and our actual product development and the vast majority of it is undermined b/c the other members of the team can't spend 5 minutes to fill out their portions of it.  
  • My trading account get's slaughtered losing 5%-7% in 2 days
  • My brother is harping on me for a loan and making the rest of our family miserable
  • Now, my house in NJ gets a valve stuck open, floods the house and I just spoke with our insurance company and they aren't going to cover 1 penny of the entire cost.
What a way to start Monday morning...

I broke this morning, I simply started crying and for the first time in years I said the words, "I hate my life."

It was back in '08 or '09 when my wife first opened my eyes to all the possibilities in the world. I learned optimism and how a positive attitude literally made me smarter.  My brain started firing more and more often.  I was inspired with amazing ideas and able to do what I do (link content together to create new systems) better than ever. I honed my public speaking skills, I developed amazing presentations that sold more product & services.  I was empathetic for the first time in my life.  I cared deeply about Earth, society and civilization.  I wanted to change the world for the better and I was on the path to greatness, I could feel it. I knew the world was about to change.

Fast forward 7 or 8 years and what have I got or done?  All my friends would offer multiple examples of how I picked them up and supported them.  I built the most advanced smoking cessation program in the world, I've learned more about marketing and started coding as well as the fact that I literally unlocked my 6th sense of what I call clairvoyance. (Everyone has this, it's just a skill that needs to be practiced.) aka the ability to pick on people's vibes whether they want you to or not.  I've learned spiritual technologies and the value of meditation, reflection and self control. And rationally, using my highly developed Pre Frontal Cortex that all humans are gifted with, I get this, but I don't fucking care right now.  I don't feel any of it.

All I feel, is failure. I feel useless, worthless and powerless.  From my work in suicide I know this is where the suicidal hang out all the time.  I'm at the bottom of the Emotional Guidance Scale

Just sitting here contemplating everything, I rationally get that my positivity is working b/c I moved from hopelessness back to anger and rage at myself.  I'm pissed I'm such a fucking failure and there is no one to blame but me.

Then I reflect back and ask, "How the fuck did I get here?"  And I honestly think the answer lies the most dangerous of me at least...Contentment.

Since my return from my summer retreat I have been slowing sliding all the way back down from 1 to 22.  Again, upon reflection I recall seeing myself in a state of contentment and remembering asking, "I want more than this."  And the Universe delivered.

How am I getting more than contentment?  Well....I'm definitely not content anymore.  Is it a good feeling, no, but am I content, definitely not!

I can safely say that just in writing this and examining my emotions I know I'm already pushing back up towards hopefulness and optimism.  The question is hopefulness and optimism for what?  I'm not 100% sure but there is one thing for certain and that is I have to keep playing the game.

In P90X and all of Beach Body's programs they say one thing over and over, "Keep pressing play." No matter what, you keep pressing play and you will see results.  They are right.

I have to keep pressing play.  I just spoke with Devlyn and of course he made it all sound so simple, "Now is the time when you can't give up or else all the stuff you preach and believe in is just lip service, you need to be the living embodiment of what you preach,"  Fucking bastard is right...

One thing is for certain, I would never gotten so down if I shed my ego.

The question now is not "What do I want?"  It's "What am I willing to do to get it?"

Keep pressing play...shed the ego.

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