Wednesday, June 8, 2016

My god, her radiance!

As Satyen Raja says, "Masculine energy is defined as "presence" and feminine as "radiance,"  the stronger connection to higher self the more you will be "feel" these people."

She's simply amazing.  Far wiser, a much older soul than mine.  I've never felt anyone the way I feel her.  These are all reasons why I'm so attracted to her...everything.  She's positively radiant. She always has been, and while I've always been pulled to her, I never saw it until after my fall in the Winter of 2015.  

Then I became aware of it, she's here to help me.  I knew this but couldn't put it into words. Thanks Tolle, for doing if for me: "but if you are fortunate enough to find someone who is intensely conscious, if you can be with them and join them in the state of presence, that can be helpful and will accelerate things."

You have the ability to make me a better person, and it's really hard for me to say this...someone who has done everything on his own his entire life, someone who has never counted on anyone for anything...someone who feels like the most selfish prick in the world for saying what I'm about to say...  And while you've already heard me say all this, I'm saying it again. Please help me...

Help me to love by loving me
Help me to care by caring for me
Help me to give by giving to me
Help me to laugh by laughing with me
Help me to cry by crying with me
Help me to be, by being there for me

I've always believed in love, although I haven't experienced it.  I've always believed there are plenty of people we can fall in love with, but I never believed in the idea of soulmates until now. Another soul that we are so intimately words can explain this.  I do suspect that soulmates have spent multiple lives together, which is why they know each other so well.

Are we? My heart says it's so but my ego is screaming "no, that's ridiculous, you're going to get really hurt with silly ideas like that."  I know her's is saying the same thing...

Yet even though she's familiar in so many ways, there are so many things I feel like I'm fucking up on a daily basis because I simply don't get her. This is when the ego says, "See, I told you so." And this is when I need you help more than ever.

Yes, she's here to help me, and I have no fucking clue how to go about doing it, but I'm here to help her.

Practicing Consciousness

"Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet.  It is the body's reaction to your mind." Eckhart Tolle

Same with CBT, thoughts beget emotions.

I woke up depressed...out of it... I don't know... just really off.  This is rare for me as a morning person.  WTF is going on.

I'm attempting to remain conscious of my feelings...becoming "the observer" of my feelings.

When I'm upset I go inward and pull back from everyone.  This is most likely the exact opposite of what I need.

For it is the ego who is upset, not me.  But what triggered these depressive feelings?  Food, lack of sleep, drugs?  I know when I lay next to her I constantly worry about waking her so I lay there all night, trying no to disturb her.

I'm not 100% on this, but the last thing you should have done this morning is let me walk out that door.

We're very different in a lot of ways and still learning each other.  You treat me how you want to be treated and I treat you how I want to be treated.  But I recognized this several weeks ago and I'm trying to keep that in mind. "You just have to let me come to you." So I didn't touch you this morning, even though I wanted to.  This upset me even more.

I think I need to be reached out to because I don't bounce back after 5 minutes like you.  I need to be told it's ok to be weak and that I'm still appreciated even though I'm not actively doing anything for you.

Then again I need to stand on my own 2 feet and do this shit without you....

I'm aware of my feelings, below if from Tolle, just need to put it into action.

"Accept then act.  Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as though you have chosen it. Always work with it, not against it...

Let me summarize the process.  Focus attention on the feeling inside you.  Know that it is the pain-body.  Accept that it is there.  Don't think about it --don't let the feeling turn into thinking.  Don't judge or analyze.  Don't make an identity for yourself out of it.  Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you.  Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of "the one who observes," the silent watcher...

The best indicator of your level of consciousness is how you deal with life's challenges when they come.. Through those challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious and a conscious person more intensely conscious  You can use a challenge to awaken you, or you can allow it to pull you into even deeper sleep."