Being Ashamed

Day 3 in Tools To Life: in the exercises section we were asked to change problems into opportunities.  Working with Devlyn the past several years I often started conversations with, "Devlyn, we have a lot of opportunities ahead of us," and he would laugh. Makes me smile thinking about it.

I put that one of my problems is that I'm too effing smart.  Meaning I know how this program works, and what each step is doing and why it's doing it.  Therefore I have the ability to subconsciously sabotage the work.

When I want to be negative, I can literally always find a reason despite what ANYONE tells me, including Devlyn.

It's not that I want to be negative, it's just so easy.  Just like Devlyn says, 82% of our brains have been wired for negativity.  

I've already talked about he difference between rationally understanding and feeling a certain way about something.  It happens on multiple levels.  Last week, when shit hit the fan, Devlyn said, "Domenic, this is the time when you have to put the pedal to the metal, this is when you push through so that everything you talk and believe aren't just lip service.  Now is when you practice what you preach."  All I could think of at the time was, "I just don't give a fuck anymore."  I knew it was a mood and it would pass but that was at that time.'

Today, writing out my "opportunity" to knowing what lies ahead an answer just came to me.  What follows may sound cocky, but it's written for me to read so I'm not aiming for modesty:

Being too smart...it's the ultimate challenge, a higher level of knowledge, a higher vibration.  I've been given the opportunity to transcend my current level and push forward.  Knowing what I know, being who I am, I have the potential for greatness.

Something is trying to hold me back...what is it? I am ashamed of my failure, but it's only me who is ashamed, no one else.  In fact, as my wife and Devlyn say, I'm the only one who even thinks I've failed. What part of me is ashamed and why? Judgement.  I judged others and said they were worthless when they were at this point and now here I am. My shame is the result of my own judgement and no one else's. I shed my ego, I release the judgement. 

I have to forgive myself and release the judgement of myself.  This doesn't give me a ticket to say "Fuck it," in fact it's the opposite, "It gives me the chance to prove I was wrong before." This gets me motivated.